Sex & Relationships

I have spent two weeks talking about Sex, now its time to talk about the Relationship. I’m specifically talking to my black Sistas’. We are on point when putting others in check about their lives and relationships, but fail to look inward and admit our own shortcomings. Many of us can relate to having conversations with our girlfriends relationship after relationship honestly bewildered about how it came to an end. You have been privy to many good men, with good jobs, money in the bank, and an offer of stability to you on a silver platter. So what went wrong? Of course I do not know each person who reads this personally, but I can elaborate on a few commonalities among us black women that can ultimately lead us to being the destroyers of our own relationships.

1. Entitlement: the moment we give up the “Punani” we feel entitled to His space, wallet, generosity, and his heart. We start dictating all these rules that never applied before sex and making demands all in the name of the “Punani”.
2. All About Me: In the beginning we are cooking (or at least trying), stroking his ego, and being so accommodating to His needs mentally and sexually, demonstrating how good women are. Somewhere down the line it changes from being about him to exclusively you. Let me be the first to say I’m down with self love and acknowledging self worth, but everything in the relationship can not be entirely about what you want to eat, where you want to go, who you want to hang around, and why you don’t feel like having sex. He is so lost in you it makes him begin to wonder, where does he fit in your life? Now he’s doubting himself and reasoning he may never be able to make you happy, or perhaps it’s feeling too much like a job to try.
3. Pressuring him to Change: There is a huge difference between being his “cheerleader” and changing him. I say that because often times we think the two are synonymous. Example, when you met Him, he was a “jeans and t-shirt” guy, or an avid sports fan dedicating Sundays to the NFL, perhaps a blue collar worker. You were perfectly ok with that and allowed yourself to fall in love. Now, you complain because he watches football too much and won’t go to church on Sundays. He’s not wearing the button down dress shirts and slacks you purchased, or he won’t trade the Low Rider for a Lexus. That’s not fair and we have to stop expecting that because he says “I love you,” everything you want him to be will all of a sudden be divinely willed into his makeup. It’s a façade to Him and to you.

I could go on an on with the numbers, but the purpose is to look at ourselves before we start pointing fingers elsewhere. Honesty is the key, and it starts with knowing what you truly want in a man and how you want to be positioned in your man’s life. Marinate on that and tell me, am I being too harsh? Have you been the destroyer of your relationship/s? Holla at ya Gyrl!

Godspeed,

Latoya

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A close friend of mine was asked the question by her man, would she be willing to watch him have sex with another woman if that pleased him? (For the purpose of this editorial I will refer to her man as “J”). Her immediate response was, “Are you crazy?!”
“J” expressed, from his point of view, a woman will say she will do anything to please her man, but reality tells a different story.

My girlfriend and I both pondered the “what ifs”; What if you agreed to do that and he wanted to have sex with the “third party” more than me? What if that one time experiment turned into a full fledged affair? Would it be my fault for agreeing to it in the first place? As we continued our long list of “what ifs” it was clear that neither her nor I would ever come close to “doing anything to please a man.” Well, “J’s” defense is, if a woman is secured and strong in her relationship, she will know the two are fulfilling a fantasy only and nothing more. Bull Sh@! When a couple agrees to participate in a fantasy, it is usually something both will enjoy. No woman or man should be pressured into a sexual act they do not want to perform or have a guilt trip laid upon them for being insecure and justifiably so.

After her and I finished talking I seriously thought about my limitations and where I draw the line. I learned that I am insecure because the mere notion of me watching my man have sex with another woman brings an unpleasant expression to my face. Am I being to crass? How far have you gone to please your man? Holla at ya Gyrl!

Latoya