A close friend of mine was asked the question by her man, would she be willing to watch him have sex with another woman if that pleased him? (For the purpose of this editorial I will refer to her man as “J”). Her immediate response was, “Are you crazy?!”
“J” expressed, from his point of view, a woman will say she will do anything to please her man, but reality tells a different story.
My girlfriend and I both pondered the “what ifs”; What if you agreed to do that and he wanted to have sex with the “third party” more than me? What if that one time experiment turned into a full fledged affair? Would it be my fault for agreeing to it in the first place? As we continued our long list of “what ifs” it was clear that neither her nor I would ever come close to “doing anything to please a man.” Well, “J’s” defense is, if a woman is secured and strong in her relationship, she will know the two are fulfilling a fantasy only and nothing more. Bull Sh@! When a couple agrees to participate in a fantasy, it is usually something both will enjoy. No woman or man should be pressured into a sexual act they do not want to perform or have a guilt trip laid upon them for being insecure and justifiably so.
After her and I finished talking I seriously thought about my limitations and where I draw the line. I learned that I am insecure because the mere notion of me watching my man have sex with another woman brings an unpleasant expression to my face. Am I being to crass? How far have you gone to please your man? Holla at ya Gyrl!
Latoya
Hi Latoya,
Now, there are just some things that I’m not willing to do. Watching my man have sex with another woman is one of them. I think that’s ridiculous! Whether he’s a boyfriend or husband, it doesn’t matter. That’s just him being disrespectful for even asking such a thing, and further more if he wants to have sex with another woman…hello, there’s your RED flag!!! He’s obviously interested in trying something new and no longer into YOU!
Hey Vita,
After I had this conversation with my girlfriend, I tried to put myself in a different mind set. A mind set of openness, freedom, and non-judgment. As I allowed myself to “go there” it was like someone scratched the needle across the record and I thought, “oh no ain’t never gone do it”. BUT…is he really wrong for asking? She could have agreed.
Latoya
HEY MS.VITA
NOW THAT IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT, NOW MY WHOLE THING IS WHY ARE WE SO WILLING TO DO ANYTHING FOR OUR MAN, NOW WILL OUR MAN BE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING FOR US. OKAY IF HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, WHILE I WATCH OR JOIN, I MIGHT ACCEPT THE OFFER, ONLY IF HE LOVES ME ENOUGH TO DO THE SAME, INVITE ONE OF HIS FINE FRIENDS, THAT I HAD MY EYE ON, SAYING IF I WASN’T WITH MY MAN, I WOULD BE WITH THAT FRIEND, AND HAVE MY MAN WATCH US HAVE SEX OR JOIN US, AND IF IT’S A NO FROM HIM, THAN I GUESS WE ARE GOING BACK TO THE BASICS OF JUST ME AND HIM…..MS. NAY
Bottom Line Men tend to fanicise all the time.
Personally-I have been asked this by my man before. It broke up our relationship up. I thought if he loves me he would’nt ask me too do this. But thinking about it later. I think having the same old sex just dont getting it any more. My relationshop may need a little fireworks..
Honestly, I do not think that this just be the first approach to such a common problem, loosing the spark. As time goes on many relationships loose the “spark” so to speak … but i feel that there are ways to revive that spark without the help of someone else. For example, maybe there are things that the two of you could try together that you have never done before. Maybe incorporate toys or try new positions or just being adventurous in general.
This does not necessarily mean that inviting someone new is a bad idea … it may be the way for that coupleto revive the spark … but i do feel that it should be a decision reached together … not solely the request of one partner.
… LET ME FIRST SAY THAT I KNOW NO OTHER WAY TO GET INTO THIS SUBJECT , THEN TO SWING FROM THE PLATE . SO WITH THAT SAID , MY NAME IS TIM . AND FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS EDITORIAL I WAS REFERED TO AS , ” MR. J ! ” YES , THE TOPIC MR J ! AND THERE R ALOT OF THING WE ARE ( MY HOLLAATYAGYRL WEBSITE BLOGGERRS ) GOING TO IT CLEAR .
FROM THE POST’S MOST OF U GUYS APPEAR 2 B WOMEN . AND ALL OF UR REPONSES APPEARED 2 B GENUINE , HONEST AND TYPICAL . I CAN SEE , TH@ YA GRYL HAS SOME MATURE LADIES ON HER SITE AND THIS WILL MAKE FOR SOME GOOD BACK & FORTH CONVERSATION ON THIS VERY ADULT TOPIC . THIS QUESTION THAT I ASK , WAS ASK TO SOMEONE TH@ I WAS IN LOVE WITH . NO TYPE OF BOOTY CALL ! A WOMEN THAT , LIKE MOST WOMEN , WHO WANTED FOR HER MAN TO BRING TO HER ANYTHING TH@ CONCERNS HIM . NOT JUST BECAUSE IT A RELATIONSHIP . BUT BECAUSE IT A FRIENDSHIP OF THE HIGHEST FORM . AND WE AS A COUPLE , SHOULD B ABLE 2 DO THAT , OPENLY . SO I ASK ” MS VITA , ” WAS IT DISREPECTFUL FOR ME TO B TRUE IN BRING THE QUESTION TO HER . OR WAS IT DISREPECTFUL TO ME TO BELIEVE THAT SHE WAS MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT AND WHAT SHE WANTS , WHEN SHE WASN’T ?
NOW I DONT KNOW OF A MATURE MAN WHO WOULDN’T EXPECT A , HELL NAW ! SHIT NAW ! AND FUCK NAW TO THE QUESTION . IT IS ON THE WILD SIDE . AND IM SURE EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW TIM , WHERE R U COMING FROM W / THIS ? WHAT COULD BE GAIN GOOD FROM IT , FOR HER OR HIM . WELL , I’LL PUT IT LIKE THIS . ALL ANY MAN EVER WANTS IN A WOMEN . IS FOR HER TO HAVE HIS BACK , LIKE HE HAS HERS , PERIOD !! IT IS LIKE MOST WOMEN . THEY WANT THAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE .
FOR ME , HAVING MY BACK GOES DEEPER THAN U SAYING THAT U DO . SOMETHING LIKE ME SHOWING HOW MUCH I LOVE U BY MORE THEN JUST SAYING IT . DOES THIS MEAN THAT I COULD ONLY BE SHOWN THIS BY YOU SUBMITTING TO MY EVERY NEED ? NO ! COME ON NOW . LETS NOT GO THAT ROUTE . BUT FOR ME , AN ACT LIKE THIS , WOULD DIFFINITLY GET IT DONE . PICKING UP A DINNER BILL OR MAKING THE BED . JUST WONT DO . HOW COULD I NOT APPREICIATE HER FOR GIVING SO MUCH . WHAT WOULD BE SAID OF ME , FOR NOT REALIZING WHAT WOULD BE GIVEN TO ME . WOULD YOU NOT BE THIS CLIDES , BONNIE ? I’M NOT ASKING 2 CHANGE OUR SEXUAL LIFESYTLE . TO START SCREWING ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS , SWINGING , HAVING ACCATIONAL FUCK FEST , 3SOME’S , ECT. ITS NOT ABOUT A LOST SPARK OR BEING ADVENTURES , MS. KK COOTIE . NOT ABOUT , NEW FIREWORKS MS. MSGNA . BECAUSE THE SAME OLD SEX AIN’T ALL THAT BAD !
AND I WANT 2 B VERY CLEAR ABOUT THIS RIGHT HERE . NEVER AT ANY POINT WOULD IT B ABOUT FUCKING ANOTHER WOMEN . IF YOU CANT TELL BY NOW , THAT ITS ALL ABOUT US . YOU CAN SURF SOMEOTHER BLOG SITE ! BECAUSE IT HAS VERY LITTLE 2 DO WITH HER . HOW CAN I SAY THAT ? BECAUSE W / OUT YOU IT COULD EVEN HAPPEN . SEE , IF IT WAS ONLY ABOUT THE ACT OR FANTASY , AS MS. MSGNA PUTS IT . I REALLY DONT NEED YOU FOR THAT . I COULD WAKE UP ONE MORNING . SAY , BABY AFTER WORK I’M GOING TO WATCH MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL OVER A FRIENDS HOUSE AND CHASE THAT FANTASY . I DONT NEED U , UR APPROVAL OR UR GENERIOUSITY TO GET IT DONE . IF ITS JUST ABOUT THAT !
YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE IN THIS . I’M MATURE ENOGH TO KNOW THAT FUCKING ANOTHER WOMEN WITHOUT EMOTION , IS MEANINGLESS ! I COULD GET AS MUCH SATISFACTION OUT OF HITTING A LICK IN THE SHOWER , AS I COULD A ONE NIGHT STAND ! IT MAYBE HARD FOR MOST WOMEN TO DO . BUT I CAN SEPRATE LOVE AND SEX . TO ME , THERE NOT EVEN RELATED . WHATS TO BE GAIN BY ALL OF THIS , IS A DEEPER EMOTIONAL CLOSENESS . A ONE TIME THING . SOMETHING 2 REMEMBER , NEVER TO RENIG ON AND ALWAYS 2 B APPRECIATED ! TRUTH BE TOLD . TO TALK WITH ME ABOUT THIS AND KNOW THAT U R COMFORTABLE WITH THIS ( BECAUSE THERES NO WAY THAT I COULD GO THROGH WITH IT, IF YOU WEREN’T ) WOULD BE ENOUGH FOR ME ,NOT TO EVEN GO THROUGH IT , AT ALL ! I WOULD KNOW WHAT I HAVE . AND THAT MY WOMEN THAT HAS MY BACK , LIKE I WOULD HAVE HER’S !!
SO , MS. VITA ! NOT BEING INTO HER ANYMORE , COULDN’T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH . YOU CAN PICK UP THAT RED FLAG OF YOURS , AND THROW IT IN THE DIRECTION OF MS. JADENSISISO . BECAUSE THE ONLY PENALTY ON THIS PLAY IS , MS. JADENSISISO EYEING ON OF MY FINE FRIENDS , THAT SHE’S HAD HER EYES ON !! AND FOR THE RECORD MS. JADENSISISO , IT DOESN,T HAVE 2B ME AND ANOTHER WOMEN . IT COULD BE HER AND ANOTHER GUY . BECAUSE FOR ME , THERE’S A MEANS , TO AND END , AND IT AIN’T GETTING WITH , ONE OF HER FRIENDS :O !!
IT’S LATE AND I’LL HOLLA !!
OK MR. J…. A wise man once said that humans are “professional reasoners”. We reason all kinds of stupid stuff to be “right in our eyes” to make it fit really nicely into our own selfish advantages. I have 2 main points to make. #1: Trust in a relationship is like fine china. Once you break it, it shatters into many pieces. You may be able to pick up the big and obvious pieces and put most of that “china” back together over time if your mate is willing, but there will always be those itty bitty tiny pieces that you can’t see and your woman will end up stepping on those barefoot. The point is… you DO NOT “gain deeper emotional closeness” by letting your woman know that you’re sexually attracted to another woman and that another woman can do her job in the bed. You’ll shatter her trust. POINT #2: Ladies, don’t fool yourselves! ANY woman in a SERIOUS relationship who agrees to do such a thing, thinking she can handle it, is unknowingly planting a tiny seed of insecurity that will grow as big as a Sequoia tree over time. The roots of that tree will choke the life out of you AND your relationship. And in the end, he’ll blame all that is wrong on YOU for agreeing to do it. BOTTOM LINE: Including a third person is in no way condusive to, and IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE of a “serious, close, and trusting relationship”. If you’re still have a longing for meaningless sex, you’re not ready to invest yourself 100% into anything serious. Nice try though, Mr. J.
LOL, THIS HAPPEN TO BE A BIT MUCH FOR ME , BUT I DEF. AGREE WITH TY, NOW MR. J I AM NOT GOING TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE, I AM A VERY SMART WOMAN BUT IF I WAS YOUR WOMAN AND YOU EXPLAINED IT HOW YOU JUST DID, I MIGHT HAVE FALLEN INTO THAT TRAP, SO MEN HAVE THE MOUTH PIECE AND YOU MAY BE VERY GENUINE IN YOUR THINKING, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO THE FACT THAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER THIS THREE WAY SEXUAL PARADISE WITH ANOTHER MAN, BUT LET ME EXPLAIN, A TRUE WOMAN DO NOT WANT A 3 WAY WITH HER MAN AND ANOTHER MAN, IT’S NOT CUTE OR SEXY OR MANLY AT THAT MATTER, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL CREATURES, THE FINEST WOMAN HAS INSECURITIES WHEN IT COMES TO HER RELATIONSHIP AND HER MAN. THIS IS WHY YOU SEE ALOT OF WOMEN STICK WITH MEN WHO JUST SCREW AROUND AND THEN TELL THE OTHER WOMEN, YEAH HE F***S YOU , BUT HE COMES HOME TO ME, BECAUSE WE CARE MORE ABOUT THE EMOTIONAL PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP, SO IF YOU ASK YOUR WOMAN TO DIG DEEP INTO HER HEART AND TO CONSIDER THIS THREESOME, THAT IT IS NOT JUST HAVE SOME MONKEY SEX, AND TO CREATE A BOND DURING THIS ESCAPADE(IF THATS HOW YOU SPELL IT), THAN THAT WOULD HURT EVEN MORE. LET ME EXPLAIN MR. J, WOMEN LOVE HARD AND WE WILL STICK BY YOU AND WASH YOUR DIRTY DRAWLS BY HAND, EVEN IF YOU ARE A DOG, BUT WHEN YOU CREATE AN EMOTIONAL BOND WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND WOULD LIKE TO SHARE THIS EXPERIANCE WITH YOUR WOMAN, YOU ARE LIABLE TO JUST PICK OUT THE COLOR OF YOUR OWN CASKET, SO ALOT OF WOMEN MIGHT SAY OH HE IS SWEET, BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME OKAY WORD GAME , BUT NAW PLAYA..K.I.M (KEEP IT MOVING), SORRY MY WHITE SISTA’S I LOVE YALL, AND NO DISRESPECT, BUT THIS IS WHERE YALL COME IN AT, MR. J HAS SOMETHING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, CAUSE WE AINT HAVING IT……
The underline question is will i participate in a threesome? Now me being a man I often think of the possibility of having sex with two women at the same time. There is a large jump from fantasy to actually put forth steps to making it happen. Am i willing to make this jump? No! Not right now with where im at in my life, im looking forward to a faithful commited relationship with my wife. I base our relationship on love, trust, respect, cherish, faithfulness,praise and honor amoung other things, so i would never ask her to invite another woman into our sacred sexual relationship. Now does that mean i can’t have a fantasy about Beyonce, my wife and me doing the damn thing. No…..I can. Yet I don’t have to express my fantasy’s outloud to my wife… MR. 4EVA-100
Okay, okay, okay…. yet I’m still not convinced! I too agree with Ty. Fantasies are just that…Fantasies. They’re not meant to be played out. I’ve been in a committed relationship with my now husband for 9 years and not once has the thought crossed his or my mind. First of all, we love each other entirely too much, Secondly we’re both sexually satisfied with each other, and Lastly, I can’t even imagine him doing the things he does to me, to someone else!… Whew!!!#*? Anyway, on a more serious note, you talk about insecurity; you having sex with another woman opens the door for insecurity! As stated before, you’re obviously not satisfied with the woman you’re with so you shouldn’t even taken her through this emotional roller coaster ride if you really love her! Enough said,
Holla
first let me start off with PEOPLE are you reading what the topic is about. this man asked his woman a simple question that you all are taking out of content. You guys are making it seem like that he is just a hoe cake man.like he doesnt respect his woman. read it again. he didnt ask her for a threesome, he ask a question that maybe he isnt ready to go full throttle with himself, IT WAS JUST A QUESTION “HELLO” where do you get that he he isnt satisfied with is mate. men all day long cheat on there mates and im sure all of you have been there done that. because he asked ,you guys are putting to much on it. ladies we all say that we want our man to be our best friend…we want that bond that we can sit and discuss with our girlfriends that my man this and my man that. There has to be some type of mature level between these two for him to even ask here that. Did you guys bother to ask him what was her respond. it to me takes a mature woman to listen to what he has to say. when she took it to her friend she must have been secure within herself to even put it out there like that. When your man goes and buy something out of the budget that you can’t enjoy do you get upset at him because he bought it or because he didnt discuss it with you? i dont see him being disrepectful for asking her. Let me ask the MARRIED folks out there that is commenting…..Did you tell your mate everthing you did before you said “i do “? Are there somethings that you left out of the relationship/marriage that you felt that your mate need not know basis? Now what is wrong with this man expressing is inner feelings with his mate. Step out of the sexual act itself folks. They obviously can discuss anything..what is wrong with that?Do you discuss everything with your mate that you discuss with your girlfriends? Why not …that is your husband…that is your wife… who said that he played it out.. it was just a question… how do you know your man is not out there doing his thang and he is coming home to you every night? Would you rather be deceive by your lover or your lover express themself to you. I’m sure there are some folks out there that have made home videos of ther lovemaking that they would not want ot be made public. Now your amte decides that he wants to show his or her friends. You guys are getting down with the getting down with the get down. Do you BLOW UP ? Why!!!!! Because someone else see how you get down with your man or wife,or because thet is something that you guys share between the two……. What is the difference……If she feels comfortable about it, let her do her. What is wrong with expression…lets keep 100 if you could do Beyonce and your wife would not find out…………….if that is something that you really want to do and given the chance “it would be own an cracking”
ANd what………………..
WOW THIS HAS BEEN AN INTERESTING TOPIC , MY GOOD PEOPLE AND I DID HAVE MY OPINION AND AT FIRST I SAID HELL NO, BUT I HAVE HAD AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION WITH MY MAN, AND I FEEL THE SAME WAY, BUT NOT SO NEGATIVE ABOUT IT, HE EXPRESSED HE DOES HAVE FANTASY, BUT HE LOVES ME, BUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ASKING, I GUESS HE HAS BROKEN ME DOWN, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ASKING, DANG I LOVE THAT MAN, I GUESS IT SHOWS WE DO SHOW OUR GANGSTA SIDE WHEN WE TALK TO ALL OUR HOMEGIRLS, BUT WHEN WE SIT AND GET REAL CLOSE TO OUR MAN, AND LISTEN TO THAT BARATONE, WHEW!!! HE WILL HAVE YOU THINKING, BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, I STILL SAY NO….LOL, BUT I WILL SAY IT SO SWEET AND THEN ROCK HIS WORLD, HE WILL THINK HE JUST HAD A THREESOME……MS. NAY
FIRST , I REALLY THINK IT’S IMPORTANT TO SAY THAT I REALLY LIKE THE EXCHANGE WE ARE HAVING . I THINK THATS IT’S IMPERATIVE TO . SOCIAL CUMMUNICATION . GOOD FOR SOCIALAZATION . BUT UNFURTUNATLY IT ALSO HAS ITS COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE PARTS TOO . LIKE CLOWN AN ENTIRE RACE OF WOMEN BY SAYING , ” … BUT THIS IS WHERE YALL COME IN AT … BECAUSE WE AINT HAVING IT ” I WOULD HAVE LIKE TO CONTINUE BELIEVING THAT , EVEN IN TODAYS CYBER TIME , THAT WE COULD ESCAPE IN SOME KIND OF WAY , THIS RACIAL GENERALIZATION THAT , ONE RACE IS SMARTER THAN THE OTHER . BUT HEY ! WHY SHOULD TOYA’S SITE BE IMMUNE TO THAT !!
I ALSO LIKE THE OBJECTIVENESS OF IT . THIS GOOD SHIT ! THE ONE THING THOU THAT HAS ME BAFFLED , THAT I JUST CANT GET AROUND . IS HOW DO PEOPLE READ THE SUBJECT , CHANGE THE THE SUBJECT AND RESPOND TO THE LEFT ? THE SUBJECT IS ” WATCHING ” NOT A 3SOME OR ASKING MY WIFE TO JOIN ME AND … OR TWO MEN AND A WOMEN . GO BACK AND READ SOME OF THE POST , ITS CRAZY ! I THINK IM BECOMING MORE CURIOUS TO HOW EVERONE CAN READ THE VERY SAME TEXT AND COME UP WITH A DEF. SUBJECTS . MORE THEN THE ACTUAL SUBJECT ITS @ THIS PIONT .
NONETHELESS ; LET’S TALK ! THE SUBJECT ! EVEN THOU I HAVE ASKED THIS QUESTION TO SEVERAL OF MY PAST GIRLFRIENDS . MANY AGREEING . ACOUPLE WILLING TO COMPROMISE . EVEN AFEW STICK TO , HELL NAW ! BUT NEVER HAVE I DONE IT ! AGAIN , ITS NOT ABOUT THE ACT ! THE SUBJECT IS , HOW FAR R U WILLING 2 GO FOR UR MATE . MOST WOMEN WANT A MAN WHO IS WILLING 2 WALK TO THE END OF THE EARTH 4 THEM . LADYS , DONT THINK ONE MOMENT THAT MEN R ANY DIFFERENT . U CAN SAY WHAT U WILL ABOUT HOW THIS CANT MAKE A MAN FEEL GOOD OR SECURE . BUT IT DOES ! TO AGREE , FEELS GOOD ! TO COMPROMISE ( … AND I DONT KNOW A MAN THAT DOESNT LOVE A COMPROMISING WOMEN , ON ANYTHING ) FEELS GOOD ! EVEN TO DISAGREE , CAN B GOOD . WALK TO THE END OF THE EARTH 4 US TOO ! MAKE US FEEL DESIRE TOO – WHATEVER WAY HE HE MAY THINK THAT WALK IS .
PEOPLE , I CANT IMAGINE WHY U CANT TALK TO UR MATE ABOUT FANTASIES . FANTASIES ? IF NOT UR MATE , WHO DO U TALK TO THEM ABOUT . THERE FANTASIES . JUST FANTASIES . LET UR MATE KNOW WHO U ARE . LET THEM LOVE U FOR YOU . DONT HIDE PART OF URSELF . DONT BE FONEY ! MANY OF YOU TALK OF INSECURITIES . IN SECURITY , IS WHAT I HEAR . AND LETS BE REAL . MEN & WOMEN FANTASIZE . UR NOT IMMUNE ! LOVE ME FOR MY BIG FEET . LOVE ME FOR ME !
OH ! AND BY THE WAY . I CANT TELL FINE CHINA FROM PORCELAIN BY LOOKING @ IT . BUT ONCE ANY MAN KNOWS HE HAS FINE CHINA . I DONT KNOW OF ANY MAN THAT WOULDNT BUILD A CHINA CABINET TO PROTECT IT . IF WE ARE GOING TO PULL YOU OUT , INSTEAD OF THOSE DIXIE PAPER PLATES FOR SPEACIAL ACCASION . THAN YOU NEED TO FUNCTION AS FINE CHINA AND … HANDLE WHATEVER … IS THROWN ON YOUR PLATE !
ITS LATE , HOLLA !
WELL MR.TIM,
I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU COMING FROM ABOUT THE DIFFERENT RESPONSES THAT EVERYONE IS GIVING, AND THIS IS WHAT MAKES THE HUMAN RACE VERY UNIQUE BECAUSE WE TRANSLATE THINGS DIFFERENTLY IN OUR HEAD, AND TO READ THE QUESTION AND READ EVERYONE RESPONSES OPENS YOU UP TO DIFFERENT THINGS YOU NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT, NOW TO THE FACT OF CALLING OUT RACES, I FEEL IT IS IMPORTANT TO VERBALIZE THE FIRST THOUGHT THAT IS IN YOUR HEAD, MY FEELINGS ARE NOT HURT EASILY, AND UNFORTUNATELY I SOMETIMES THINK OTHERS ARE THE SAME, BUT THIS IS LIFE, SO ALL IN ALL AND WAY OFF TOPIC WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND WE STILL SAY OR SHALL I SAY IM STILL SAYING HELL TO THE NAW…..HAVE A GREAT DAY
ALWAYS READY TO TALK TO YA
MS. NAY
We all can agree that Tims honesty has at the very least led us to understand where he is coming from whether we agree or not. I have never had the experience Tim is talking about and I am not a cheerleader for being a spectator, but I can be the first to admit that I have been encouraged a time or two to push beyond my limits in the bedroom and was happy I did in the end
EEEWWWW!!!!!!!!!!
WWWEEEE !!!!!!!!
Thanks for having my back Tim, and holl’n at ya gyrl!
NEVER GO THIS FAR,THIS IS NOT RIGHT,A MAN SHOULD LOVE NOT NEED TO BE WITH ANOTHER IF HE IS UN HAPP HE NEEDS TO LEAVE.
NEVER GO THIS FAR,THIS IS NOT RIGHT,A MAN SHOULD LOVEYOU NOT NEED TO BE WITH ANOTHER IF HE IS UN HAPPY HE NEEDS TO LEAVE.
hey
sorry..ok my husband has always expressed a want for a 3some with a gurl…before we were married and we were young and stupid we had a 3some with another guy, where me and the other guy could mess around but not have sex, and both boys didnt touch each other only watched when the other got to pleasure me or be pleased by me…well, husband was locked up for almost 4 yrs in state prison and while in there(this was before we were married but after our 1st kid, we have 2 now and one currently on the way soon)but while he was incarcarated I was with another woman for over a year, it was a BFF and it wasnt just about sex, it was about comfort and providing, i.e. she was a second mom to our son…while I discovered my love for him was greater, and that I truely am not gay or bi but enjoy the beauty of women when having sexual encounters, it ended, he came home, I confessed and he was fine with it, and now me and the gurl are still good friends, but now he has expressed than a 3some with another gurl or her or a friend of mine would be nice, also he has expressed that if I did go gay it would be fine as long as we still were together and raised the kids together, although I don’t think I could handle him with another woman, the thoughts do somewhat excite me…now another problem with all this, is b/c I was with this other woman, she showed me the world of goth, pain/pleasure, and other wild things that I crave, esp. submission by either party…my husband however to me now is a bit boring as he won’t even get slightly rough with me, and when I do with him I tend to hurt his sensitive self..slowly we have found ways to get there a bit, but he has become somewhat of a married hermit and sex is always the same on his part even when I try to spice it up for him…plus he’s very quiet, to the point where often I dont know if he has even gotten off, I actually have to ask sometimes…I am very committed to him but do have many insecurities I am currently working on about us and mainly myself….I am a very selfish person and although I am trying to change this, I still want him all to myself, he is H_O_T and I don’t want to loose him…he even thinks its fine if I want to look at porn and I shouldnt be mad if he wants to look at porn or go to a strip club…I truely believe all of this is cheating and will lead to bigger problems in the marriage down the road, but at the same time I want to spice things up and be more comfortable with myself and with our marriage..I feel I am too stuckup and reserved and miss the animal inside that the lesbian affair brought out in me…how far is too far and what boundaries should be in place to ensure the marriage stays truthful, fair, and affair free…I just don’t want to loose him …I have issues with this since I lost him for 4 yrs to the system and if he ever screws up again I may loose him for longer…ok this is getting lengthy so please respond here or thru my email dawnieinga@yahoo.com
Thanks bunches and I love all you advice and value your opinion, I have enjoyed reading all your posts here!
To Tim, I would like to say congrats for sticking up for yourself here, too many ppl bash what they dont fully understand, and by you coming on here, I now understand your motives and resoning behind all this, women tend to only hear what they want to hear, and it causes problems, well, if all you say is true, which I believe it is from you detailed post, then your gurl should have nothing to fear, and you both should go for it in my opinion, I just wish my husband and othe men would be so honest about their feelings and motive behind their fantasies, b/c then I believe more men and women would have their true fantasies acted out more often…again, I applaud you…now if you could just get my husband to be more open and honest behind what he says, b/c like you he seems to be genuine in his motives, but whne I ask the questions I don’t hear real answers…or maybe I dont beleive them…all I know is I would love to be the gurl that can go to the strip club with my man and not get jealous, or have a 3some secure that his feelings for me wouldn’t change, but for me and many other women that security is just not possible in our hearts, at least not when your man has lied about other things in the pas t just b/c he didnt want to hurt you or hear you bitch…we women have a lot to change about our attitudes or we may all never be in a relationship we totally are comfortable in….
lol..dont know how much trouble this will get me in, but to the racial words…I dont understand why we do have it…b/c I am a white chick married to a white man, but he does have an attraction to the black woman, so I look to the black race for sex advice b/c most are not shy to tell all, and how else can we find out what to do in the bedroom if we dont share between not only each other but thru race also….the more we keep to our own, the less experience and understand we have…ppl fear that which we don’t understand…now I am more willing to do things that whites have deemed as black sexual activities, and I have found that these are not only fun but also work great for the relationship…please keep being open and honest and hopefully the whites will not only learn but also share more and we might all have a more adventurous and educated and open sexual life;) Thanks again for all the posts;)
Hello Husband Pleaser,
I am so thankful you were able to open your heart to me in this forum and release all those feelings. It sounds like you and your Husband have experienced what most Men dream of but in the end you have proven that Love is a very sacred emotion. Most people think about the fun in experimenting with “other” people in the bedroom but no one anticipates the long term damage it may cause.
What you need to do right this minute is end the “arrangements” with “other” people. Your husband may say he is agreeable to your lesbian affection because he doesnt want to lose you or break up his family but his heart is screaming something else. It sounds to me like his bedroom withdrawl is related to feeling as if he is no longer able to please you. Your adventures have awaken sexual desires which weren’t there prior to his incarceration. In addition to being void of his home for 4 years; he has also been left behind as you climbed the sexual ladder. Although you are trying to introduce him to the “enhanced” you, you must be patient and loving.
He needs to feel as if he is the Alpha Male in your life and until he redeems that position he will play the background role. Your job is to focus exclusively on HIM and cut all ties with your BFF. Now that he knows what she does for you, he no longer views her as your friend. Rather he sees her as his competitor. Life is full of hard choices and the moment you crossed the line with her she became one of those hard choices. So, who do you value more? your family or your BFF? (don’t sit and think about it, answer quickly because your first answer is your honest answer).
It takes a lot..and I mean A LOT of dedication to keep a marriage strong. Outside people become a convenient illusion that you can get greener grass elsewhere.
Your Big Daddy is H.O.T, loves the hell out of you and his family and will do anything for your happiness, even at the demise of his own. That is a rare find in todays ” me,me,me..its all about me” world. Husband Pleaser, its time to be your “name” and make Big Daddy feel…Big again. You can do it and I’ll be your “real” BFF cheering you all the way through.
I look forward to hearing of your progress
Latoya
thanks for all the great advice but I feel like I have led you to see things differently than they are…
1. He is not aware of the details of my past or the feelings I have inside that I have shared here…I have kept him in the dark that he is not pleasing me completely, but he is pleasing me very well, i.e. I get off and enjoy all of it, but I just am bored with the routine of it all.
2. We have not had any relations (that I know of) with anyone else since we have been married(minus his stripper experience a month after we were married that he lied about), nor do I want to be with anyone else but him…in fact I am against having anyone else in our bedroom…nor do I have any feels for the ex-girlfriend, we only get together me and hubby and her and her friend like once ever 3 months, and its mainly so she can see our son…b/c she was like his mom for about 2 years…but the relations we had have broken our BFF friendship, so besides generally caring for her as a person, we aren’t connected in anyway anymore, at least that is how it is for me, her I don’t know for sure…
3. there is long term damage I agree in a 3some, b/c even though we were drunk and young at the time, I remember our relationship having problems b/c of it, mainly he thought the other guy, who he worked with was always trying to get into my pants and get me to leave him, although I never wanted the other guy, he did flirt with me alot, and soon after the 3some happened, both guys stopped being friends…we don’t speak to the other guy anymore, I think he’s and alcoholic now…but I even worried that my man was gay just b/c he allowed the experience b/c most guys would never do a guy/guy/girl 3 some…and now that we are more invested in each other, i.e. kids, marraige and a deeper truer love, I know a 3some no matter who it is with would definately shake if not ruin our marriage…
4. And I may be wrong here…but I really don’t think he cares what I do, he always says that and says do whatever you want or what makes you happy, he has a very ” I don’t give a fu*k” attitude about everything in life…but not in a mean way…I truely believe he doesn’t care what I do, but I still don’t do whatever b/c I love him and want to be true to him, guilt would eat me alive I think…
5. ok regarding his bedroom withdrawal…he also smokes pot and many ppl have told me that can affect his labido…I have asked him before why I have to beg for sex sometimes, but he will go a few days without….it use to be the opposite and now I can’t seem to get enough of him, he’s just so HOT…this is what really bothers me b/c I feel like I am becoming unattractive to him, but he blames it on stress, or at least not the most important thing to him, he doesn’t even kiss me hardley ever, at first he said it was my bad breath, well, I fixed that and nothing changed, plus he like never has any dental hygene, b/c he things your teeth will eventually rot out anyway, I know a wwhole different subject…but it just seems he always has an excuse and that sex is more like from the boobs down and with no intimacy, just wam, bam, thank you mamm…yeah he’s like a quick one too, so I always have to hurry up my orgasm just b/c he can’t hold out any longer, I can’t remember the last time we orgasmed together..its always like a separate show, first me then him, so I dont get to relax afterwards, but if we do it the other way he just wants to go to sleep….God I cant believe I am saying all this but I have no one to talk to about this and I really don’t want him to know I feel bored or that he isn’t performing at his best…I do nothing but resaerch and read magazines to try to find ways to please him, I just wish he would try something different, and he does but on very rare occasions….
5. As you see I do focus totally on him, in fact so much that I drive him nuts..he likes to be alone, and I want him around all the time, I spend all my spare time trying to please him or find ways to please him, cause seriously, do u think he would be online trying to find out how to spice things up? yeah right…
6. regarding the exgirlfriend again, I am actually concerned he is intersted more in her friend, I dont know b/c when we are all together he is very friendly with all three of us girls and lets us spend lots of time talking and hanging out, he isnt exactly flirting but maybe whatever is as close to that as possible without crossing the flirting line…so I dont feel threatened but I am a bit concerned…but he wouldnt tell me b/c whenever I acuse him of crushing on or showing interest in someone else he says I am crazy and that I am the only gurl for him, yet he has no problem telling me when a gurl is HOT looking to him, so I am confused about his motives and why he is like this?
So obviously I value him more and dont desire that greener grass, but am more confused about his I dont care attitude and comments that he would like a 3some or wouldnt care if I look at porn or was bisexual….?????
1. can you help me understand him and his motives????
2. can you let me know your view on porn, b/c I am just not sure how bad it really is in a committed relationship????
Husband Pleaser,
You did not give me the wrong impression. You gave me the truth and my comment is based on what you said. I am your Gylrfriend so you never have to be defensive with me. That’s why this forum is so unique. Although you weren’t married yet; when these issues arose, you were in a committed releationship with Him with which led to marriage.
You know what?? It may sound as if I am placing the responsibility on you to repair what both of you have contributed to….and I am. BUT I do that because if you want to make a relationship better you have to work on your shortcomings first. Although you say he doesn’t care about what or who you do I still beg to differ..Men are such sensitive creatures and unlike us they hold in the mushy feelings. Believe me the signs are all there. His defense is up and he is protecting his heart. There is no time limit or magic to make things better over night. It just takes time and if Love is truly in one another for each other, you will come out of this stronger and united.
As far as your question about porn, let’s get through this first then we move to my views on porn. ( I do have a topic coming out on that soon)
Latoya
Latoya,
Thank you again for your advice and I am not trying to be defensive. I just want to make sure you understand the whole story b/c it’s so complicated. Plus even though he loves us and helps out around the house more than most men, he doesnt have a job, hardely keeps a job, continually messes up all the time…etc. But we have too much together and I have learned to forgive and forget, somewhat. I know I have alot of problems to work on, but why does it always have to be the woman to fix everything, when alot of times the man is the one who is always messing up, sorry I guess that was a bit generalized. But I feel like men just don’t own up to things like they should anymore.
1. when he was in prison he wrote me but my parents wouldnt let me write him…so we weren’t in a committed relationship, but my heart did belong to him which is what led me to end things with her and be more loyal to him, despite what my family said.
2. sometimes I think we only got married, b/c I got pregnant again, I was 5 months with our daughter when we tied the knot…but we were and are in love, but it has been a rough road
3. You probablly are right about his defenses, since he was a foster child, abused in all ways, and then adopted…I have truely been the only person who hasnt left him or let him down
well, I will try to hold in my defenses, but what is your honest opinion of all this and how should I approach handling business properly to make things better and get better connected, b/c his introvert emotional state drives me nuts, I need more of a connection from him, but pushing for it is getting me nowhere with him, and I dont want to push him away or loose him…thanks and please ask questions, if you need more info, I am an open book.
You are the Heart of your home. Everything your Husband does (whether great or no so great) is done for his family; But more importantly, for YOU. This is a dance your going to have to lead. Having said that, know that you will never ever be able to repair or change the past. Thank God its PAST which means you still have plenty control over the future. What matters is today and when I say today I mean this very second. Wipe the slate clean and move forward. The mission is to bring passion back into the relationship.
- Make a conscience effort daily to tell him what you appreciate about him. Whether its his committment to you, the way he cares for the kids..whatever it is, tell him in a loving way.
- Do special things exclusively for him such as: cooking his favorite food,
giving him a massage, planning a date with his interest in mind…etc..you get what i’m saying. You’ve been with him for years so you know more than anyone what warms his heart.
It doesnt mean that instantly things will get better, but your showing him that you are in it for the long haul and re-affirming your committment to him. Give it a try with no expectations and over time he will begin to relax and put down his defenses.
Thanks for the advice again..I have been doing all of this but it doesn’t seem to work…however, with that said I will continue to try again and again and with more feeling. Maybe one day I will get it right or move his heart enough for some kind of change. Who knows? Maybe it has already begun…he is currently in NC helping my family put a new roof on our cabin, and he went without any weed or cigarettes and has made it over 2 days now without….so maybe he is trying to change for his family..all I know is that this job market and economy is crushing his spirit thanks to his record it seems impossible for him to get a job…but I am even helping him and also trying myself to get a job even in my 7th month of pregancy with our 3rd child…maybe I need to just relax a bit more and the good Lord will take care of the rest….honestly if things never changed I would still love him, support him, and be happy…but I do love him and thats why I desire so deeply for him to be able to live up to his potential in anything he does…..all I know is I am very exhausted with our life and have to constantly find new strength to keep going on….therefore the selfishness takes over often…but I will grin and bear it and try to continue keepin on….all that matters is that we are a family and together, right? the rest is just accessories…thanks again for all the swift advice…just keep praying for strength and patience to get thru it all!
Holla!