I am awestruck when in the presence of couples who have been married for decades. They recite their numbers with enormous pride and rightfully so. I find myself wanting to step into their shoes and know what love feels like after 20, 30, 40 plus years of marriage. I wait anxiously for the story behind the number, but it never follows; and when I ask questions such as, “what is the glue that keeps your marriage together? Or How do you stay together so long?” the question is proceeded with an uncomfortable silence. Although Love and Marriage are compatible with one another I bet if you asked the questions; How long have you been married? and How long have you been in love? It is likely you would get 2 different answers.
Our fixation with the number of years married seems to over-ride whether passion and deep love still exist. I had an “ah ha” moment when I was confided in by someone close to me married almost 30 years. In my life, this couple was comparable to the “Huxtables” ; envied by most, financially sound, and seemingly affectionate toward one another. A tragic event happened which lead me to her and as our conversation became more intimate she disclosed the details of her loveless marriage and regrets not divorcing at her 10 year mark. She described virtually two strangers living among each other raising children. Now in her late forties, she has accepted her way of life as being as good as it gets.
One of my biggest fears is to look back on my life in my old age and regret not having the courage to make a decision that would have changed my life. I don’t claim to fully understand love but I do know I have not been to the depth of it. I know I would never negotiate love for the sake of a number. I would never choose a number over love. How about you?
I want to know, how many of you find that your number of years married are synonymous (or not) with love….I’m listening…Holla at ya Gyrl !
Tags: Love, marriage, relationship, Relationships
It seems the older I get the more finite time becomes to me; six weeks, six months, a year. You blink and before you realize it, time has passed beyond you into history. As complex creatures with such a finite amount of time to make our marks on the mortal plain we embody one of the most complex and eternal of emotions, love. I was married for 7 years and have been divorced for 3. Although I ran the gambit of emotions one person could have for another with regards to my ex-wife, she is the mother of the single greatest thing I’ve ever had a helping hand in, my daughter. So it dawned on me one day as I watched this wonderful, lovely child of mine, playing in the sun of a spring afternoon, listening to her laugh in the wild and free giggles I recognized as her mother’s, she turned and looked at me with her mother’s eyes and I knew then that I could never love another woman even nearly the same way or as deeply as the mother of my first child (and only child). The love of my youth as King Solomon said. In that moment of clarity my daughter had taught me something. Although a child, her love is deep, wide and unyielding for both of her parents despite our many failings, it allows her to completely see beyond the petty things that we as adults obsess about while thinking that we are actually operating on a level of great sophistication. We like to use terms like, “I love you…but I’m not in love with you”, huh? Whereas a child only ever just loves you…period…it’s complete and it never needs qualification. No added layers to mess it up. Although I’m not suggesting that we be as simplistic as children, they don’t have the benefit of experience and wisdom, as adults we have both so harmful relationships should never be acceptable. But a relationship where two people simply fall out of love is ridiculous. I’ve seen people work harder to get a degree from a University than keep love a driving force in their relationship and there is simply no reasonable excuse for that, I know because I let it waste 3yrs of time with my soul mate. It takes communication and a gut-check every once and a while, hell we’ll do that for ourselves when we need to set our own personal lives back on the right course, why not afford the same courtesy for our lovers. So you’re right we shouldn’t be counting the years just for time’s sake. Its like a pot and a watched pot never boils, some years love is just gonna be a slow simmer while other years it’ll be piping hot. It’ll ebb and flow just as long as you keep it on the stove. I’m back with my ex, I affectionately call her my “ex-wife-girlfriend” (patent pending) and we’ll soon be married again and thirty years from now when we look back we’ll call the last 3yrs, “those funny time when we were young and had energy to play funny little games”. We can’t allow the cynical times we live in to make us cynical, we’re better than that. We’re human beings and humans are at their best when they are being loved.
Wow! It’s amazing how the innocense of a child can enlighten us to see how blessed we are to have and experience that unconditional love.
It takes work to keep marriages together in this era because people are less tolerant and get divorced more often. My belief is love and the number are equally important because I would want to spend the rest of my days with the one I marry. There will always be temptation along with ups and downs but with a great foundation and friendship you can get through anything together.
Teresa I had the same feeling when Urban Punk described his daughter’s love reminding us that children are also first teachers of what adults tend to forget over the years.
I think it is a true blessing when couples are able to look at each other decades later and still see their mate with the same eyes as when they first fell in love. I would love to see and know more of those stories.
Latoya
I am not married, nor am I in a relationship. However, I am awestruck at folks that have been married for umpteen years and have a happy meduim in their union. Maybe it is years of good fortune and love that rekindles their flame and dedication. Perhaps it is a desire to remain comfortable and not wanting to start over. Either way, the bond and desire to stay together is a wonderful thing.